The Expat Life: Missing Friends And Family

Posted on 21. Mar, 2009 by Emmanuelle Archer in Blog, Expat Life
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I conducted a (very) informal poll of the expats around me to find out what they find most challenging about living abroad. The almost unanimous answer? Being away from friends and family.

It certainly rings true for me. While I am used to being far from my family- I have been living on my own since I was 17- my friends are what I miss most about France.

What is it exactly that we miss about not having our friends and family nearby?

- There is the deep connection, of course. The shared memories, the trust, the freedom to be ourselves without fear of being judged or misunderstood. All of this takes time to build. So much time, in fact, that many expat assignments are simply too short to build memories and complete trust, let alone deep friendships.

- There is the support, too. The comfort and safety that comes from knowing that whatever happens, your friends and family are there to help. Knowing that they are there for you, even when you make mistakes. Knowing that you can freely share your concerns, big and small, with them.

- Then there are all those roles that friends and family play in your everyday life: shoulders to cry on, trusted advisors, sounding boards, mentors, cheerleaders, dispensers of tough love, support buddies, confidantes, playfellows, people who “get you”.

That’s a lot. No wonder we miss them so much!

There is no quick fix, no magic formula to turn new acquaintances into close friends overnight. So in the meantime, how can you make the absence of those who are dear and near to your heart a little less challenging?

Can you identify what it is that you miss the most about not having friends and family around?

For example’s sake, let’s say that you were used to running your ideas by your friends. You really miss having someone to brainstorm with and get feedback from. As a result, you feel a bit lost, indecisive and increasingly frustrated with the way your host country works. It would be so much easier to figure it out if you could talk it over with your best friend or your sister!

You cannot teleport your friend to your new country, nor can you phone your sister in the middle of the night every time you must make a decision. What you can do, however, is assemble a new group of people who can serve the same purpose: a mentor at work, a coach or a local mastermind group would all be good places to look for feedback and input.

It will not be the same as bouncing ideas off your friends, of course. Yet it definitely beats staying isolated and not getting the feedback you need! As a bonus, you may also get more professional and objective advice than your friends would have been able to give you.

Ask yourself what is most painful about missing your friends and family. Sometimes just naming the pain helps take some of the edge off. When you identify the pain clearly, you make it more manageable, a little less overwhelming and scary.

And once you put your finger on it, how about letting your friends and family back home know how much they truly mean to you? So, yes, go ahead and call your mom! Speaking of which, I should take my own advice and phone mine before it gets too late at night in France… oh the joys of time difference!

Emmanuelle