International Relocation: What’s Your Relationship With Change?

Posted on 17. Jun, 2009 by Emmanuelle Archer in Blog, Expat Life, Relocation, Tools & Resources
1 comment

Stress is kind of a big deal during an international move. Tell anyone you’re moving – even if it’s within the same block, let alone to another country! – and you’ll hear a chorus of “Oh, I hate moving, it’s so stressful!”

Where does all that stress come from? Of course, part of it is the sheer amount of work and the dozens of tasks that you have to juggle, coordinate and keep track of. Not fun. Not fun at all.

But that’s just the logistics. On the emotional level, you are going through a wild roller coaster ride. You go from fear to excitement to overwhelm within the same minute. You’d give anything for a bit of quiet and stability, but that’s not in the cards at the moment.

So what can you do to keep your sanity?

I could give you the usual advice: take breaks from packing, eat and sleep well, exercise, do yoga, go for a walk. All of this helps, but frankly, when my life is being turned topsy-turvy and I have three rooms left to pack, I want something a little less… obvious, maybe, and something that packs (sorry about the pun) more punch.

The most effective way I have found to deal with my conflicted emotions is to take a close look at my relationship with change. Because that’s really what it comes down to.

Resist change, and your stress levels go up. Learn to go with the flow, and your stress becomes manageable. Get to the point where you truly accept change and maybe get a little excited about it: serenity, peace of mind and maximum efficiency. Jackpot!

What is your attitude toward change?

That’s a question that we should ask ourselves on a regular basis, but like any major transition, international relocation is a particularly good time for this exercise.

The starting point is as simple as can be: what comes to mind when you think about change?

- Is it fear?
What exactly are you afraid of? Is it fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of losing your identity? Listen closely to your inner thoughts and name your fear.

- Is it overwhelm?
What is it that is causing the overwhelm? Too many tasks to keep track of? Too much new information to process? Is it internal or external?
Get as much clarity as you can about the causes of your overwhelm.

- Is it uncertainty?
How does uncertainty make you feel? Do you usually avoid it at all costs? Or are you actually attracted to it? Do you feel vulnerable and out of control when you are uncertain, or do you see potential for adventure, new possibilities and excitement?

It’s all a matter of perspective!

Now that you’ve spent some time clarifying your relationship with change, it is important to realise that all these feelings – fear, overwhelm, uncertainty – are just perspectives. They’re subjective ways to look at your situation. They are not the one and only truth about your situation.

To illustrate this, try to describe your situation as objectively as possible. For instance, “I am moving from the US to Germany. My best friends are in the US. I do not have friends in Germany”. Avoid emotionally charged words such as “losing”, “missing”, or “leaving behind”. Stick to the facts as much as possible.

Then contrast the facts themselves with your current perspective – for instance, “I am terrified of losing my friends and being completely isolated in Germany.”

What could be another way to look at your list of facts? What would a different person think if they saw your list?

For example, they might think “I’ll make sure to keep in touch regularly with my friends in the US, and on top of that I will make many new friends in Germany. I wonder what kind of interesting people I am going to become friends with!”

Yes, this is a very positive, outgoing and upbeat perspective. And it is no less valid than the “I am terrified” perspective. Just different.

You do have a choice

The important things to know is that you do not have to stay stuck in the current perspective. You can consciously choose to shift it.

What happens when you try and move away from the “terrified” end of the spectrum and a little closer to the “upbeat” side of things? Does that feel better? Is it more helpful? How could you incorporate more of that new perspective in your thinking?

Don’t get me wrong; this is not about wearing rose-coloured glasses and pretending that everything is hunky-dory. You certainly do not have to force yourself to be all optimistic and ultra-positive if that doesn’t fit.

Just try and think of what could be a more helpful, more constructive and gentler relationship with change, and commit to progressively shifting toward that perspective, on your own terms and at a pace that feels comfortable to you.

Let me know if you have questions or if you need help with this. I know it is not an easy process and I often take a whole coaching session to walk my clients through this exercise. So don’t hesitate to reach out, that’s what I am here for!

Emmanuelle

Images by YellowFilter (top) and zachstern (bottom) – both via Flickr Creative Commons