Going Back Home: Smart Coping Strategies

Posted on 24. Jun, 2009 by Emmanuelle Archer in Blog, Expat Life, Relocation, Tools & Resources
1 comment

In Going Back Home: Why you’re in for a rough time, we looked at what makes returning to your home country even harder than going away in the first place.

I know you’re probably not thrilled at the prospect of going through culture shock all over again, and in your own country at that!

It seems unfair, unnecessary, and completely paradoxical. You may feel angry, hopeless (Will I ever be happy again?) or resentful toward your home country.

Your worst enemy in this situation is the assumption that things should be easy and that everything should be back to normal because you’re home again.

But if you can distance yourself from those expectations, you’ll see that life abroad has already taught you all the strategies you need to cope with this transition.

Reactivate those expat skills

Remember how you had to draw on certain qualities and learn new ways of thinking in order to adjust to life overseas? All of those still apply – pretend you’re a “stranger at home” and see your home country through an expat’s eyes.

On a practical level, this means that you:

1. Do your research
The longer you’ve been gone, the more critical it is to do some research before (or immediately after) returning home
How has your country changed since you left? How are those changes (social, political, economic) likely to affect you? Has anything major happened in the lives of your friends and family? What’s the impact on your relationship with them?

2. Do a values inventory
You may well find that your priorities and your values have changed a little bit while you were overseas. So take a moment to update your list of values. What you discover may surprise you!
If you have never done a Values inventory, this post will get you started. Identifying your values is a key part of knowing yourself and an invaluable tool for any expat.

3. Expect the unexpected
When you were overseas, you learned to accept that things might not always go the way you expected. Don’t discount your home country’s ability to surprise you from time to time!
Just because you’re back in a familiar environment, don’t limit yourself to thinking that there is a single best way to get things done. An open mind and a flexible attitude will allow you to seize any opportunities that may arise.

4. Keep it light
Patience, tolerance and a sense of humour (the holy trifecta of expat qualities!) kept you sane abroad and they will go a long way at home too!

For some reason, I find that I take things way too seriously when I go back home – I forget to laugh at myself and at some situations that I would dismiss with a smile overseas. Why that is I have no idea, but I try to consciously remind myself to keep it light.

5. Live in the present
Always a tough one, especially if you loved being an expat and miss your host country. Make a conscious commitment to living in the present, in your home country. Say no to clinging to the past.
In particular, resist the tendency to compare or judge. Constant comparisons keep you tethered to the past and make it harder for you to move on.

6. Be tactful
By the same token, beware of sounding too critical of your home country, or too boastful of your past experiences. You knew to behave in a culturally sensitive way while you were abroad and this applies at home too.

Put yourself in other people’s shoes: would you like to be around someone who kept referring to a place you don’t know and cannot relate to? Of course not!

If you have TCKs at home, I would suggest bringing this up with them, especially before schools starts. TCKs can very easily be labelled know-it-alls or show-offs by other children, even though they are only trying to share their experiences and make new friends.

7. Be gentle with yourself
Don’t be too demanding with yourself; allow enough time to readjust and give yourself permission to struggle and experience setbacks.

When you became an expat, you didn’t expect to adjust in a matter of hours. You knew that it would take time, and that life would feel a little weird for a while. Extend the same patience and gentleness to the transition you are currently going through.

It’s normal to be disoriented. It’s normal to feel sad, or angry, or disappointed. It’s normal to feel inefficient and even a bit incompetent. It’s all part of the process of returning home. Just allow it to take place, without pushing too hard or beating yourself up. Things will get better.

Birds of a feather…

You may find upon returning home that you feel more of a kinship with other expats -regardless of where they originally come from- than with your fellow countrymen who have never travelled abroad.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is only natural. Other expats know what you have been through. They have had similar challenges and experiences. They have stories to share with you. So seek them out!

You can become involved with newcomers clubs, ESL conversation groups or local universities. You can hold information sessions or give talks at expat clubs. You can attend events at foreign cultural centres.

All the strategies you used to find expat friends while you were abroad still work now that you are back home. The main bonus is that you will not only help newcomers feel less lonely, you will also be able to give them precious insight and insider’s knowledge about their new country.

Get a specialist on your side

It’s no secret that I find that most employers do a poor job of preparing their employees for the realities of expat life. Some of them do try, but it’s usually a pretty half-hearted attempt if you ask me.

What’s ten times worse, though, is that when it comes to providing support to returning expats, they don’t even try. Now that drives me up the wall. It’s a recipe for disaster, and I’m not talking about just a loss of productivity.

So if your employer won’t do the right thing, or if you moved back independently, take matters into your own hands.

Hire a specialist. Preferably a coach, as you want someone who can work with you on both your emotions and your plans for your new life. I am very familiar with repatriation issues myself, so don’t hesitate to send me an email, contact me through my website or reach out on Twitter if you have any questions.

Emmanuelle

Image by aldask, via Flickr Creative Commons