Expat Happiness Tip #6: Make New Friends

Posted on 22. May, 2009 by Emmanuelle Archer in Blog, Expat Life, Tools & Resources
2 comments

You may remember this recent post about the #1 challenge for expats: being far from friends and family. The first few months, or even years, in a new country can be lonely. Our innate need for connection makes finding new friends, and finding them fast, a top goal for many expats.

If you leave it all to chance, it might take you a long time to start making new friends. So take matters into your own hands and try the tips below!

What if this feels weird?

If you are a super outgoing, life-of-the-party kind of person, chances are that you cannot wait to see who you are going to meet next. Interacting with new people is fun and exciting, right?

But maybe that is not who you are. Maybe the idea of looking for new friends leaves you feeling vulnerable, or intimidated.

If you feel uneasy about looking for friends, now is your chance to take a closer look at the uneasiness. Go ahead, list all the negative thoughts that cross your mind:

Looking for friends at my age is weird. It’s awkward. People will reject me. They will think I’m needy. I am too old for this. I don’t know how to work a room. I am too shy. I am not the social butterfly type. People without friends are losers… list them all.

Get them out of your head and onto the page.

Now throw the list away (or destroy it if you want) and take a new look at the situation from a more serene and helpful perspective.

For example, here is what I would tell you if you and I were talking on the phone:
You are not looking for new friends because you are socially inept. You are looking for new friends because the friends you already have and love happen to live in a different country.

You are a well-adjusted person, you value your happiness and you understand that connection is a basic human need. You just happen to be a newcomer in an unfamiliar country and as such, you are temporarily without friends.

Every expat goes through this, and there is nothing weird about it.

Does that help? Play with the wording until you find the words that work for you. What matters is remembering that your friendless state does not define you – it came about through no fault of yours and it is temporary.

And now, some tips!

1. Cultivate a positive mindset
In other words, cut people some slack. Everyone you meet will have their flaws. Give them a chance to show their good side too. Maybe that person you just met is a little too talkative, but on the other hand he or she makes you laugh and seems to have a really good heart. Practice looking for the positive.

Being positive does not mean having no boundaries. There is a whole spectrum between “no boundaries” and “horribly picky”. What about “selective but not choosy”? Be willing to overlook a few flaws, but be prepared to move on if someone displays character traits that you really cannot stand.

You certainly do not have to associate with that terribly negative person at the expat club just because you move in the same circles – in fact, positive psychology researchers have shown that you will get the biggest happiness boost from spending time with positive people, so cultivate friendships with people who seem happy themselves!

2. Project a positive, open attitude
If you want to encourage potential friends to strike up a conversation with you, make their life easier by projecting an approachable, positive attitude.

Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project has put together eight great tips that will help you do just that.

3. Get involved with a group
Another key to finding new friends is creating opportunities to actually meet and interact with people. In theory, you can and probably will meet new friends anywhere: in the English section at the library, in a café or at a bus stop.

However, your best bet is to join an association or a club. I know that some of you will say, I am not a club type of person. Fair enough. Consider the advantages of that kind of environment, though:
- You will have a common interest with everyone you meet there, making it that much easier to break the ice
- There will likely be organised activities that will allow you to join and get to know a smaller group or team
- You will keep running into the same people, giving you more opportunities to interact and let friendships develop naturally.
In my books, that beats an awkward 5-minute conversation in a café with someone you may or may not ever see again.

Work is another environment where you can easily make friends.
Be aware, though, that in certain cultures (and by this I mean both local culture and company culture), employees do not socialise with colleagues outside of work.

I once worked for a corporation that actually discouraged employees from befriending one another, to prevent cliques from forming and affecting productivity – needless to say, I did not stay with them for too long, but that is another story.

So take your cues from your colleagues and the overall management style. By all means be friendly and approachable, but do not necessarily expect to be having drinks with your team at the end of the workweek.

4. Improve your odds by using online tools
By now, you may be getting sick and tired of hearing me recommend Twitter and social networking platforms.

Yet, these are incredibly powerful tools, in that they allow you to start building new networks before you even arrive in your new location. How brilliant is that?

You may object that online friendships are really no friendships at all and that nothing replaces meeting in person.

Well, many online network users agree, and this is why they are organising more and more local meet-ups between members. On Twitter, these events are often called Tweetups – do a search for one in your area, or better yet, organise your own!

You can also join a large expat network such as InterNations, where volunteers host a monthly event for local members to meet in person. [InterNations membership is by invitation only. Please send me an email or leave a comment to request an invitation if you would like to join.]

5. What about a four-legged friend?
Pets are a source of happiness that is sometimes overlooked. Now I know that if you move often or travel a lot, it may not be feasible to have a pet. But if your lifestyle allows for it, do consider adding a furry friend to your family.

Dogs are a wonderful way to meet other dog owners while you are out on your walks.

Cats are often lower maintenance than dogs, can be quite independent and will amuse you with their antics. No matter what type of pet you choose, you will be amply rewarded with unconditional love and companionship.

Stroking soft fur or listening to a gentle purr will do wonders for your stress levels (research shows that petting an animal can lower blood pressure) and will boost your overall happiness.

What did I forget? Do you have other tips to share? What is your favourite way of meeting new friends?

Emmanuelle