8 Happiness Mistakes Expats Make

Posted on 29. May, 2009 by Emmanuelle Archer in Blog, Expat Life, Tools & Resources
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Not that I want to end Happiness Month on a downer (now that would be a paradox!), but I thought it would be unfair not to tell you about the happiness mistakes I see most expats make.

I am not talking about the obvious stuff, such as being completely clueless about the local culture or refusing to learn the language. You will find that kind of advice on any expat website, so you don’t need me to tell you that (but seriously folks – do learn the language!)

As you know, here we mostly look at the emotional and motivational impact of expatriation, so here are the 8 most common expat stumbling blocks in that area:

1. Blaming other people or circumstances
I know it is tempting to blame your partner if you are struggling as an accompanying spouse. Yes, it is disappointing that your hard-earned degree is not recognised by your host country. And I know you really miss your favourite comfort foods. I do too.

But if all you do is resent other people or fume at circumstances beyond your control, you are going to exhaust yourself and make little progress.

Instead, turn your attention to what you can control, such as your response to negative events, or your ability to brainstorm and solve problems.

2. Relying on external sources of happiness
Likewise, if you are waiting for the perfect conditions or for some kind of external event to bring you happiness, you may be in for a long wait.

Relying on external sources of happiness is a slippery slope for many expats. You have more than enough inner resources to find happiness on your own terms. Excessive shopping, drinking, constant gossiping or extramarital affairs won’t get you there.

3. Clinging to an outdated self-image
With expatriation came a radical change to your identity. It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed or even a little scared by the extent of it. However, resisting or entirely rejecting changes is counterproductive and likely to make you even more miserable.

As you long as you cling to your old image of yourself, you will:
- Be unhappy or uneasy with the new person you are becoming
- Become increasingly rigid in your thinking and controlling in your actions
- Miss chances to move forward.

Expatriation is one of the best opportunities there are to learn and grow. If you refuse to seize these opportunities because “you’ve never done that before” or “that’s not who you are”, you are going through life with blinders on. Why not try to be open to a more fluid definition of who you are, and try something new for the sake of growth?

4. Being trapped by false choices
See that “Bliss or Dead End” signpost up there? That’s a false choice. If you think in terms of “either… or”, chances are you will not make much progress – one option is too lofty to be attainable and the other one is not acceptable. So you end up doing… nothing.

When you catch yourself thinking, “Either A, or B”, try to visualise A as one end of the spectrum and B as the other end. There is a whole continuum between Bliss and Dead End, and you can choose where you want to be on that continuum. It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other, right?

5. Losing focus
That’s a very frequent stumbling block for expats. You came to your new country with plenty of dreams, goals and projects. Then you got so busy building your new life that little by little, you put your projects on the backburner, you lost sight of your goals, and your dreams… well, you don’t have time to dream anymore.

Thankfully, it is never too late to get back on track. Reconnect with your life purpose. Write down your goals, or a bucket list, or 101 things you want to do before you retire – it doesn’t really matter, as long as you reignite your passion and reconnect with your ambitions. You have come such a long way, why settle for mediocrity?

6. Striving too hard
Building your new life and finding your new identity is hard work. If all you do is strive, push and beat yourself up for not adjusting better, faster or more successfully, when are you going to give yourself permission to be happy?

Pay attention to your inner chatter. Is your hear is full of Should, Must and Ought to? Are you talking to yourself harshly? If your Inner Critic is getting a little too vocal, here are some techniques that will help you show it the door, gently but firmly.

7. Staying isolated
I cannot stress enough the importance of making new friends to replace the close relationships you left behind when you moved. Knowing when to ask for help is capital too.

Even if you live in a remote area with no other expats around, all you need to make new friends and contacts nowadays is an internet connection.

Far too many expats who come to me for coaching and support have stayed isolated well past the initial stage of their expatriation – sometimes a couple of years or more. That is way too long to go without meaningful and supportive human interaction. Please do not wait that long before reaching out.

8. Forgetting to be playful

As expats, our daily lives can get so darn complicated that we start taking life way too seriously – and yes, I am guilty as charged. I don’t think that the usual advice your read in expat literature (“Keep a sense of humour”, “Stay positive”) is very helpful. First, it sounds really trite and second, how do you stay all chipper and positive when you’re struggling with a culture you just don’t get?

Try playing. Living overseas is a wonderful invitation to play: think of all the sights, sounds, tastes and sensations that you have not tried before. Explore. Experiment. Rediscover what it’s like to be a complete beginner. And when you make a fool of yourself (we all do at some point, sometimes several times a day in my case), take a few seconds to laugh at life and at yourself.

“All animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.” – Samuel Butler

Emmanuelle